Sunday, May 16, 2010

Failure

In my next life I want to come back as exactly the same person I am now, with all of my regrets, disillusionment, bitterness, anger, frustrated desires, disappointment, loneliness, etc. - only I want to start as a child, perhaps, and relive my teenage years and my twenties. I want to do every single thing I wanted to do in this life but didn't because I was afraid or felt awkward or ashamed or out of place, out of time, out of my element - but what was my element, ever? This is to say that I want to relive my life and be the opposite of what I am now: in every instance where I made an intuitive decision that left me alone, I want to make the mirror decision that led me to the center of light. In every moment where I chose to be silent, I want to speak out on everything and anything, clear my conscience, sound my heart, express everything inside of myself. Every night where I left my house and walked through the dark streets alone (always searching - for what?) I want to go back and turn on all the lights, wake everyone, read to them, scream, laugh, forget everything on the inside that was pressing me towards the night outside, I want to substitute the Sun for the Moon. When I walked away, I want to return in anger and lash out, yell, threaten, curse, make others bleed. When I held my tongue I want to calmly and with great deliberation speak my mind; I want to rip and rend and excoriate the lives of others. Where I laughed, I want to cry. Where I denied myself in a senseless quest for purity, I want to lean forward heavily against vice and lust and drink deeply. I want to make every single mistake it is possible for a human being to make. Where I lost control, I want assume an icy command, a totalitarian world-weariness that can not be roused for anything on this Earth, I want to stare the madness of this world in the face and not even blink at its basilisk glare. Where I felt the urge for kindness I want to express only rage and cruelty, I want to make others suffer needlessly and then laugh at their tears. Where I hurt others close to me I want to swallow every drop of rancor in my soul and say the things that should have been said, I want to sacrifice and be sacrificed. Where I was hasty and impatient, I want to be wise and firm, soulless in my Sphinx caution, puritanical, rigid in twice-blessed righteousness. Where I was myself, I want to be someone else. Where I was right, I want to be wrong...and so wrong that I might actually, finally, feel alive.

Viewed in this mirror my black life burns white, an inverted fate, an inside-out destiny, a reversed blight...but it is the same life. I trade moments of pain for those of pleasure and vice versa, but the ending quotient remains the same: reverse the values of the terms and the result still hovers the same distance from utter negation. I am no closer to death or peace, life still holds me at arm's length from pure zero. And yet this is just another illusion...no, there is a reality to regret that no manner of rationalization can wish away. Every moment that one lives is an opportunity for a choice, every second is a possible movement, every step taken is a denial of the past and a leap of faith into the future, every breath is a message to the Divine that life still leaves opportunities to suffer, every opening of the eyes is a renunciation and surrender to Fate. Tomorrow I will rise and kill yesterday, and in that act all of the past...but I pray to my future self that he doesn't look back on this night as yet another creation of regret. I was helpless...honestly, I was. Regret was set aside for me, it was my only option. The only control I could have had was to pierce regret itself and rationalize everything away, but you know that isn't really possible. Don't mourn the choice made, but rather the absence of choices. Or is this just another rationalization? How can one ever know what the future will bring? Just try to...forget...that the only way to silence temptation is to give in to it. Hope becomes despair, love becomes silence, stars give way to the Sun, tonight becomes tomorrow...

U. Amtey
04 December 2004
02:03 CST